Tips for the Beginning Cyclist

(copyright 2001, Michael Perry)

   When it comes to recreational travel, cycling is one of the fastest growing . . . well, I'm pretty sure it is, anyway.   That, or in-line skating . . . or kayaking.  Yes, it could be kayaking.   Well, no matter.  If you're planning to travel by bicycle any time soon, this article is for you.  If you're planning to skate or kayak, your interests will be served by simply thinking "skate" or "kayak" whenever you see "bike."

- When you choose a cycling outfit, you should keep several factors in mind: style, comfort, breathability, and the fact that you may get a flat tire in front of a rural farmhouse where three men with four teeth are hoisting the engine of their pickup over a tree limb.  A man clad in pink spandex biking shorts may not be welcome at a residence such as this.  A woman clad in pink spandex biking shorts may be very welcome indeed.

- Experienced cyclists carry a quarter with them so that in case they become stranded, they can walk to the nearest town and make a phone call.  Inexperienced cyclists carry a quarter with them so that in case they become stranded they can flip to see who has first dibs on catching a ride with a truckful of three men with four teeth.

- A frame pump is an essential bit of equipment for any cyclist traveling a significant distance.  In addition to inflating your tires, you will find a frame pump to be invaluable when stuck in the spokes of those irritating individuals who feel it is their duty to roar past you up hills.

- Keep in mind: Your comfort level during the ride is inversely proportional to the ratio of the size of your bike seat to the size of your personal seat.

- Helmets should be worn at all times.   Preferably somewhere in the region of your head.

- Remember: This is a ride, not a race.  Riding aggressively will prove nothing, although other riders may acknowledge your superior level of fitness by sticking a frame pump through your spokes.

- Should your hair become entangled in your derailleur, what on earth were you doing?

- Remember, rainy conditions will adversely affect braking.  Allow yourself ample stopping distance and keep in mind how professional racers respond to rainy conditions.  (By riding faster than ever, crashing into immovable objects and uttering phrases including, "I was speeding, now I'm bleeding.")

- To avoid being attacked by a vicious dog while riding your bike, remember to ride exclusively in the area of congenial dogs.

- Should you be chased by a vicious dog, you may be able to distract him by dropping an object.  Your riding companion, for instance.

- When descending hills, you can maximize your speed by assuming a position referred to by racers as a "tuck."  This technique involves bringing your elbows and knees together, crouching over the handlebars with your weight over the front wheel, and occasionally careening wildly out of control to crash in a manner likely to get you featured on ESPN's "Plays of the Week."

- Male riders may wish to keep in mind that professional racers shave thir legs to reduce the severity of injuries received during a crash.  Male riders may also wish to keep in mind that shaving your legs will in no way reduce the severity of injuries received should you stop in a rural tavern along the ride and casually mention that you shave your legs.

- On a trip of any length, it is very important to take plenty of food and water.  It is also helpful to include your bike.

- It is often wise to train before a ride.  It is not, however, wise to ride before a train.

- Remember, you have as much right to the road as any car or truck.  That right ends, however, as soon as you clear the hood ornament.

- Never ride a bicycle while under the influence of intoxicants, or mind-altering drugs.  It is unwise, unsafe, and fairly difficult.

- Never ride while wearing headphones.  You will be unable to hear approaching traffic.  Many people have been killed as a result of this unsafe practice, and their headphones ruined.

- Remember your basic hand signals.  Left hand over your head for a right turn, extended for a left turn, palm back and down to slow or stop, and then there's that one for the guy who clips your ear with his mirror.

END